I was making an attempt to come to terms with every aspect of my previous relationship with Mr. Right. Part of me was trying to rationalize how I, a reasonable intelligent gay male, could have fallen in love with someone who, despite my romantic illusions, was so obviously wrong for me?
My mind told me the relationship was doomed right from the beginning, yet my heart told me I would never have another love this strong. The rift between my heart and my head was destroying me emotionally, and I was struggling to close the gap and, being a really nice guy, I was willing to share the blame for the end of the relationship.
I really don't like sharing all that much, but I was in a selfless mood for a few seconds. I did get over the feelings, somewhat.
The Self-Realization Of Destructive Heterosexual Behavioral Training
A Gay Opinion 4/22/00
by R.A. Melos
Last night, as I lay in bed, writing another opinion, and thinking
for the umpteenth time about my failed relationship with Mr. Right, I experienced
a flash of insight. It hit me just like you would see it in a movie, a sudden
look of realization washed over my brow, and a feeling a complete understanding
flowed through my mind and over my heart.
I won't bore everyone, once again, with the details of my relationship with Mr. Right, or of the final ending to that relationship, other than to say, I now realize I was to blame for a majority of it. Actually, to be fair, it was my training under the supervision of heterosexual society which caused me to destroy the best possible relationship I could have in this lifetime.
What, you may wonder, do I mean by training?
Last night I reanalyzed every moment of homosexual happiness in my life, even those when I was closeted and hiding from myself as well as society, and I realized I was a major factor in my own undoing. I also realized why I was at fault for my self-destructive behavior.
Everything comes down to ingrained subconscious behavior. We, all homosexuals raised by heterosexual parents, are trained right from birth, thanks to backward heterosexual thinking like that of most recent homophobic "hate the *Sin*, love the *sinner*" preacher Dr. Laura Schlessinger, to be self-loathing.
Many of us grow out of it at an early age, once we accept our homosexuality, but another contingent of us carry this training, planted deep in our subconscious, throughout our lives.
For me this training started as far back as I can remember, when my parents would point out someone I was supposed to steer clear of because he or she was "that way," and someone I was supposed to fear. It was reiterated throughout my life when I overheard a telephone conversation between my mother and one of her friends, talking about the son of another friend. This son was "that way," and my mother told her friend she could never tolerate such a disgrace in her life. She would throw a son like that out.
She didn't know the rejection she was subjecting her own son to, since even I didn't know what "that way" was, but I did know I was different from the so-called normal kids. If I was "that way," my mother would reject me and throw me out, I reasoned. So, thanks to the subtle training of society, my parents, I knew I had to keep secret what I felt inside, or be rejected.
I subconsciously filed away these thoughts, and went on with my life until I met a man who would awaken feeling in me which I liked. This man, Mr. Right, awakened feelings of lust, desire, and love for someone other than myself. This man opened me up to something so wonderful I was in complete bliss. All the pains I'd suffered in the past were gone.
The pain of rejection by young playmates who labeled me "queer" when I didn't even know what queer was, or the shame of enjoying comedies and love stories when men were supposed to like horror films and bloody action pictures, was all gone when Mr. Right came into my life.
It was also right about that point my subconscious kicked in and guided me to drive away Mr. Right. I knew, throughout the final few months of my relationship, I didn't want to do the things I was doing, and didn't even know why I was doing them, but I was inadvertently pushing Mr. Right into the arms of a manipulative woman who once told me she would do anything she had to get a husband and child.
The ingrained behavior of my own self-loathing was rearing up to destroy my happiness. I had come to accept my own homosexuality, but I was closeted and didn't want to risk the loss of my mother or family, or society, and my subconscious took over and guided me to drive away someone who made me happier than I had ever been.
After all, in the back of my mind, the heterosexual training which told me men fit with women and there was to be no love or happiness for people who were "that way" was taking full control of me. I was "that way" and I didn't deserve to be accepted by society. I may have accepted myself, but the deep subconscious recesses of my mind told me otherwise.
I was my own worst enemy, and saw to it the relationship, which was on shaky ground to begin with because of Mr. Right's own ingrained subconscious behavior patterns, did not have a chance of survival. I sabotaged every good or pleasurable moment with him. I didn't even realize I was doing it, but I was pushing him away without knowing it.
Yes, he is equally to blame for pushing back, and for running away into his own closet again, but I must (if you'll pardon the expression) set the record straight. I've been blaming everyone but myself, and in a way I was rightly doing so, since it is the training of society which made me destroy a beautiful relationship.
I know I'm not alone in this feeling. I have read many accounts of homosexuals who spend their lifetimes in a string of failed relationships, always destroying them when things start getting good. It is the subtle training of self-depreciation taught to us by heterosexual society.
We are taught to hate the desires and drives which are born in us and part of our DNA. We are taught to hate our own genetic make-up, simply by heterosexuals putting down homosexuals or by their claims that "all homosexual are child molesters", or "homosexuals are deviants who can not interact in a sexually *normal* manner with a member of the opposite sex."
Our own genetic make-up is subjugated to second-class citizenship, and we have accepted it for centuries. Oscar Wilde, and many others throughout history, went to prison for acting on NATURAL INSTINCTS!
For a heterosexual male it is natural to be attracted to a female. Well, it's the same natural urge for a gay male to be attracted to another male. What heterosexuals teach as being unnatural is, to me, very natural, and because of a form of brainwashing, I was subtly taught to hate what I am.
Hell, one of my so-called heterosexual friends recently asked me why I have to let people know I'm gay? Why do I have to tell them?
Well, living a lie is also an effect of heterosexual brainwashing. My subconscious has been fighting itself for so long I wasn't truly aware of it until recently, and I've been struggling for years to be what I naturally am, yet trying to please homophobic society by remaining closeted.
Once I was outed I didn't want to retreat back into that place of inner turmoil. I wanted to be out, and be exactly what I am and who I am and be damned what society thinks. Unfortunately it took my subconscious three extra years to catch up with my conscious mind, and it cost me one wonderful man, who might've had a chance to accept himself if I had been more self-aware.
This terrible brainwashing must end, but as long as homosexuals choose to live in the closet we will always be oppressed by heterosexual society. We accept our second class status by accepting heterosexuality as the "norm," instead of showing the world there are many norms and what is right for one isn't right for all.
It's time for all closeted homosexuals to come out, to come to terms with their own heterosexual training realizations, and to overcome the subtle oppressions which keeps us in hiding. All people are equal, and allowing yourself to remain closeted, simply out of fear of heterosexual societal repercussion gives heterosexual society control over you. We must all stop being slaves to our own fears.
This life lesson has finally been completed. I am gay, and now I am fully accepting of it even in my subconscious. I still have the heterosexual training to overcome in one way or another, but now I am fully aware of it, and of the subtle ways society manipulates everyone to "fit in." The subconscious heterosexual brainwashing has backfired on itself.
Emotionally I am now open to homosexuality in a way that has made me want to fight and expose the subconscious heterosexual training for the destructive force it is. I am a vocal person, who now speaks out on my views of the denial of same-sex marriages, and am willing to take on all ingrained heterosexual behavior traits in the name of total equality for the homosexual community.
I am ready, once again, to experience the joy I felt with Mr. Right, either with him or another Mr. Right who I am now sure I will find. And this time I will accept nothing less than an all out, completely open relationship. If society can't accept it, too bad. After all, God made me gay, and society made me want my world to be accepting of me on my terms.