This may be a parody, but all you have to do is substitute the words homosexual for heterosexual and you have what some media people take as serious news. I wrote this as a tongue in cheek piece, to illustrate the absurdity of much of the anti-gay rhetoric I read.
Heterosexuality Can Be Cured!
A Gay Opinion/Parody 5/16/01
by R.A. Melos
If frank talk of heterosexuality is offensive to you, do not read!
In ancient times we would've burned them at the stake, but we are living in modern times, when their misguided preferences can be corrected, if they will only seek the help they need. Yes my friends, I'm speaking of conversion therapy. Thanks to the miracles of modern psychological therapy, we can correct the aberration which is, if you'll pardon the term, heterosexuality.
Yes, the Heterosexual Pride movements around the world have been very disturbing to watch, but our society is in itself to blame for allowing ourselves to tolerate this abhorrent behavior of opposite sex co-mingling. With the terrible political climate of "don't ask, don't tell," which forced our military to allow heterosexuals to serve along side our own kind, not to mention the abominable vote to allow opposite sex civil unions in Utah, I fear the appalling truth may be, we are too late to help many of those corrupted souls save themselves from a lifetime of depravity, and breeding.
With the help of several renown psychologists, who have all worked with the Ex-Straight movement and the Society for the Prevention of Heterosexuality, we have conducted studies which have conclusively proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, heterosexuals can be cured of their mental disorder. Yes, I know, due to the very tolerant times in which we live, we no longer consider heterosexuality a disease, but I can think of no other way of describing such abhorrent behavior.
I just can not imagine the mind set an individual must be in to choose such a lifestyle, of breeding without the aid of artificial insemination, or having sexual contact with a person of the opposite sex, but I know there are those among you who are very liberal and feel we should simply allow the heterosexuals to continue there chosen lifestyles without our efforts to save them from themselves. I must ask you, how could you allow these poor misguided souls to live their lives without hope of eternal salvation, to go about each day knowing they are not living as Goddess wanted?
No, unlike that preacher woman in Kansas, Frederica something or other, I do not believe Goddess Hates Hets, as her infamous web site proclaims. I do not believe the great spiritual powers of the Supreme Universal Being hates anyone, for we are all her children. What I believe is, we can cure these poor misguided heterosexuals, and set them on a path of self love, instead of the self-loathing which keeps them closeted.
Oh, I know what you're thinking, I'm just another crackpot, offering the poor misguided heterosexual false hope, but the results of our conversion therapy have been 99% successful. With the help of several movers and shakers in the field of mental/emotional corrective sexual re-identification, I have seem amazing results.
Yes, there have been a few setbacks, but that is to be expected with any new form of therapy. We've come so far from the days of elector-shock therapy, and chemical suppression of their sick and twisted desires, yet most of society is still on the fence over simply repetitive psychological reinforcement of the natural homosexual order of things. I fear we may be too late to really pursue this form of therapy on many of the adults stricken with this disorder. However, it isn't too late for our children.
We've all donated eggs or sperm to the insemination process time and again, and yet many of the parents I see every day fear one or more of their offspring might have heterosexual tendencies. I share your pain, but we love our children, no matter what abominable choice of life path they may be on, and now we can offer them the sexual corrective re-identification therapy they need.
Our studies have shown, taking the football away from little Johnnie doesn't hurt his truly athletic nature, it only allows us to reinforce his sensitive homosexual nature. Taking the monkey wrench away from little Mary will not make her rebel and turn into a card carrying heterosexual determined to become pregnant through non-artificial means by the time she's eighteen.
We are only attempting to correct an anomaly which some say is a genetic defect. I do not believe this DNA theory in the least. It's only a smokescreen being presented by heterosexual supportive scientists in an effort to corrupt the minds of Goddess fearing homosexuals. We can not allow our beliefs in the sanctity of same-sex marriages, the knowledge ours is the true natural order of things, to be further deteriorated by the loose morality of a handful of societal subversives.
Yes, we have allowed our society to go merrily on it's way to Hell by allowing our media to openly tout heterosexuality with such seemingly innocent television programs as Grace and Will! Oh yes, the story of a heterosexual woman and a perfectly normal homosexual man sharing a friendship, and an truly divine apartment, is just one of the examples of media subversion. I must bring up the horrendous epidemic of "het kissing" on prime time television.
I watched in horror as an openly heterosexual couple attended a prom on Dawson's Pond. Dear Goddess, have we abandon all morality for sensationalism in the media. If it were only fictional programming which openly supports such offensive behavior, I might be able to overlook it, or chalk it up to the loose morality of Hollywood, where we know heterosexuality runs rampant, but hard hitting news programming is now actually giving credence to the theories of "nature born hets."
It didn't help to have several big named film stars come out of the closet and admit to heterosexual relationships. And the rumor of Ellen Degeneres being heterosexual is just too unbelievable, but our children are being barraged with these type of news stories, all designed to promote tolerance of heterosexuality, and destroy the very foundations of our homosexual society.
My friends, I urge you to support the sexually corrective re-identification therapy, and to help guide your misguided heterosexual family members and friends into the program with all due haste. We cannot afford to lose our best and brightest to the immorality of heterosexuality.