The world, when at its best, is a diverse place of great beauty. Homosexuals are an example of the beauty of diversity, and the difference we all make by being ourselves, by being out and open and proud.

What a Difference A Gay Makes

A Gay Opinion 4/01/01

by R.A. Melos

So, it's been obvious, I've been in a rather ill tempered mood for the last few, oh, let's say, years. Now this isn't uncommon for me, but, well, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the disappointment I feel toward the entire world on a daily basis.

Now, truth be told, there is nothing anyone can really do about disappointment other then accepting it and placing it where it belongs. Well, I've placed the blame where it belongs a long time ago, and done all I could do, (you gotta do what you gotta do), in reference to most of those who caused such a great disappointment within me toward the entire human race.

It would seem I'm referring to my ex-lover again, but he is not the only one who disappointed me, who let me down, who left me to feel the world is a horrible place, which could only be cured with the strategic placing of one large nuclear weapon. No. One man's inability to be honest with himself or me did not cause me to reach this level of disappointment. The real culprit, the deceiver, which caused me such great disappointment, was not a single person, but society in general.

 I've been disappointed in the unfair works of society since I was born. I've been let down by society since the very first time someone, one of my peers, at the age of five, called me a faggot. I've been disappointed in man's inability to learn from his mistakes and to realize his actions have real consequences, which may hurt other people.

No, my ex-lover was only one in a long line of disappointments, which pushed me to the point of complete emotional disengagement from a society in which I can find no real good. Oh, I know how this sounds, and frankly, I don't care.

A six year old girl did not care how it hurt when giving me a Valentine Day card more then 20 years ago with the words "Be My Queer" scrawled on it in her childish handwriting. She was only venting her anger and frustration, with a teacher who forced her to give every classmate a card, by hurling her hand written epithet at someone she disliked because society told her it was okay to dislike that which one perceives to be different. At six, I don't think she even knew the meaning of the word. Hell, I didn't understand my own homosexuality until I was well over twenty.

Oh yes, I knew what the acts were, but the feeling connected to the acts, the pleasure, the love, the emotions which are connected to all physical acts of love, whether between opposite sex couples or same-sex couples, are something which took me until I was 37 to fully begin to comprehend.

The disappointments I felt, as a child being abused by my peers simply for existing didn't begin to dawn on me, fully, until recently. The anger and hate within me, toward a cruel society was almost more than I could bear. To live with that level of stress, caused by a let down by an uncaring society, was too much, and should be too much to bear.

I realized my ex-lover was running from those same feelings, in his own way, since long before we met, and will be running from them, no doubt, for the rest of his life. I've embraced the feelings of my darker side, the side consumed with hate directed toward a society which would deny not only my rights as an individual, but my very existence. I have accepted the failings of a society refusing to learn and grow toward a world of love and acceptance for all whom live and breath on this planet.

Society and time, are not in sync, are not balanced, are not ready for a world of rich love and acceptance for all. Living in this world is one of the hardest things someone who comes to these realizations must do, but it is something I am doing.

The disappointments I feel toward the whole of society for causing me to, even for one minute, feel shame or self-doubt, are disappointments, which reflect not on me but on society. These are the disappointments, which result in shootings and murders, and other acts of violence in those who can take no more.

I have come to accept my dark nature, and redirected the energy into creative outlets. I have come to understand the lacking in my ex-lover to openly accept his closeted nature, and the complete intolerance, which seems to confront me and every other homosexual daily. I accept this intolerance for what it is; a failing on the part of society to change and accept the events, which will only, in the long run, enhance society.

I accept these failings in society because I have no other choice. Just as, one day, society will have no other choice but to accept and embrace homosexuality as part of the natural order of things. It is what I do, how I live until that time, and how all others like me live until the days when we will not be abused for simply existing, which matter.

It is important at this time to live, out and openly, and not let society forget for a moment we do exist, just as many in society refuse to allow us to forget we exist by hurting us. Let’s face it, our pride, or acceptance of ourselves is important in the effect it has on those who are openly cruel to us.

As for my being let down by an ex-lover, and the burden of disappointments I've felt over the past 37 years of my life, they are still there, and will be with me until the day I die. The knowledge of these disappointments and letdown are important knowledge for me in my world, since these are the lessons I've learned in this life and now have to apply them to the greater goal of living my life for me. These lessons have taught me not to waste another minute on caring what society thinks of me, because society isn't my conscious, and if I did not live my life for myself and heed my conscious, I would be living as big of a lie as my ex-lover and all of the other people who hurt me and think they have done so, if they realize it at all, because it is what was expected of them by society.

I feel sorry for all those living their lives by the judgment of a closed minded society, because the knowledge that you alone have to live with your own conscious is the most powerful knowledge in the universe. To know, in your heart, you have suffered for the actions of others because they are the ones who have the inner failings, to know you are not wrong for being as God made you; this knowledge is more precious than all the material goals which distract people everyday, because it is this knowledge which will allow all people, once they accept it, to live their lives fully.

So, while I've been grouchy, nasty, and downright bitchy as of late, all is not hopeless. Oh yes, I lost a lover because of a society which he felt it was important to assimilate into, an unacceptable loss in my estimation, and I've been hurt multiple times throughout my life and held those hurts for decades, but the simple thought, the simple redirecting of that anger, the simple knowledge of all that really should matter to me is me, and how I can change the world by my example of living my life as I please without an apology for my being born a homosexual, and without my trying to change myself to please others, since I only have to please myself in life, is enough to make almost everything right in my world.



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