This was both a political statement, and a statement on relationships. I was mostly hinting to my ex-lover, I wanted answers as to why he hurt me so much? Why he was such a jerk? Why I couldn't get over him? I had a lot of why questions, to which I'll never learn the answers, and that is something which really bugs me. I like to know the answers, and dealing with the because-that's-the-way-it-is attitude really doesn't set well with me.


Disappointed on Many Levels
A Gay Opinion 10/19/00
by R. A. Melos

With the United States Presidential election looming on the horizon in less than one month, the issues are being beaten to death, for the enjoyment of the blood thirsty public, in the form of debates which, in turn, get beaten in the ratings by reruns of Silver Spoons on Nick At Night. It's not the issues which have become boring, it's the duplicity of the candidates who have disappointed the public on so many levels which is costing Networks advertising revenue.

In fairness to all the least likely to succeeds, I won't single out any of the lesser known candidates; instead limiting my comments to the past candidates and current stars of the "Show". My reason for doing this is simple, I just don't care enough about the rest to acknowledge them. I'm sure they feel they are important enough to at least get an honorable mention, but lets face it, either Gore or Bush will emerge victor, and I don't even remember the names of all the little people who put them in the contender's seats.

Political debates are a verbal fisticuffs. If we were to actually put Al and Dubya into a ring and let them have a real go at each other, Gore would kick Dubya 's sorry gubernatorial butt back to Texas. Of course our electoral system is not based on who is the strongest, but rather, it is based on who has the biggest wallet. Oops, sorry, that's what the media wants us to believe based on the amount of time spent on researching campaign spending.

Hey guys! Whip 'em out and let's see whose got the bigger one. (I'm referring to wallets. Although I hear not everything in Texas grows big).

So if the electoral system isn't based on strength or financial attributes, what is it based on?

Forget all those political analysts who will explain our electoral system. I'll explain it all for you in simple language.

Our electoral system is based on who can be the most convincing. It has very little to do with truth and lies, and everything to do with an individual's desire for something to believe in.

We all want someone to come along and give us something to believe in, those magic words which will make our lives perfect. I'm not talking about a spiritual belief, as in Jesus or a Goddess, but a belief in another human being's ability to be everything and do everything they claim to, and then be just a little bit more so we may place them on a pedestal.

William Jefferson Clinton toppled from that lofty position when his lies finally caught up with him. In all truth, the American public didn't forgive him for the level of disappointment he created within them, they simply learned to live with the truth; the president of the United States was a flawed individual just like everyone else.

The unfortunate side effect of his flawed individualism is the left over feeling of disappointment in all of us. What is the point of voting when, horror of horrors, we all know and finally believe what has been said for centuries about politicians.

You can't trust a politician.

So, in spite of the good any one person can do in their lives, for themselves and the world, they can never live down the feeling of disappointment they create in another person by their own denial and lies. Once you've been disappointed, the feeling never quite leaves.

Oh sure, you can replace the one who caused your disappointment, but you never really get beyond the feeling of being let down. Then, with each subsequent disappointment, we come to expect it and accept it. Finally you get to the point where, while you are desperate for someone to trust and believe in again, you feel it is a futile desire.

In disgust, remorse, and confusion, you ask the universe "why?" You know you would like to ask the one who disappointed you "why?", but you know they won't have and answer. So you learn to live with your disappointment, toughen yourself up, and go on feeling a little more apathetic toward the world in general.

Maybe, you think, the next one to come along will restore your faith, and you even secretly hope this is true, but deep in your heart and soul you know it will never be.

One lie, one denial, can cause a world of damage, whether it is spoken to a judicial committee or a partner. Once that disappointment has been created, it can take an eternity to erase, and possibly may never be erased.

For me, the political system has always been a lie. Politics, like any relationship, is one of mutual trust. My sense of trust is long gone. Maybe it took being disappointed by a liar and a cheat to awaken me to a new level of thinking, but it still doesn't justify the actions of the one who disappointed me.

I. for one, will miss William Jefferson Clinton when he's out of office. Even though he was a cheat and a liar, I knew what to expect from him. I felt comfortable and secure. I guess I know how Monica Lewinsky felt.

Too bad we've got to get used to a complete new set of disappointments from Al or Dubya. I'll miss the old set, at least I knew the level of disappointment they were capable of bring me to, and accepted it as it was.