This was another of the many moments when I was going through the process of figuring out not only who I was, but what I could've done to my ex-lover to make him hurt me so much? Relationships are difficult enough, from what I observe, in the heterosexual world, and I think homosexual relationships are twice as hard because we have to deal with so much more in the way of obstacles to our happiness. It's obviously one of those only-the-strong-survive situations. I recently heard the gay survivor, Richard Hatch, was having major relationship problems. If he can survive them, keep his clothes on and not eat a rat, the rest of us stand a change.
The title was from Outwrite Collaboration.
Fences, Fools and F**ks
A Gay Opinion 6/08/00
by R.A. Melos
The other night while watching Sex In The City (Hey, it gives me a thrill
to see four heterosexual women failing to find a truly fulfilling relationship),
while the heroines were discussing the dreaded idea, so claimed by single women
in their 30's, women secretly want to be rescued from their lives, when I realized
that is exactly what I want as a single gay man in my 30's.
It was this thought which drove me on yet another retrospective journey through my relationship with Mr. Right, only this time it was the emotional fulfillment aspect I was exploring. As Sarah Jessica Parker and her cohorts once again dove into the shallow end of the gene pool in search of the perfect man, I realized, in spite of my better judgment, I had considered my Mr. Right to be the white knight who came into my life to rescue me from myself at a time when I was at one of the low points in my life. I was unable to find within myself those things which would give me pleasure and happiness which, according to all the self help books, I should. So I was seeking from outside myself that which would rescue me from my unhappiness.
The fact my white knight turned into the horses ass not withstanding, I wanted the same thing some heterosexual women in their 30's wanted. This realization alone sickened me, as I now had something in common with heterosexual women, but I had to acknowledge its existence within me. Part of reaching a higher level of enlightenment, aside from watching inane HBO Original series about lonely desperate heterosexual women, is to embrace all that is within yourself, acknowledge all within, examine it, accept it, and release it. Gods know, I wanted to release this notion.
You see, when I wasn't looking for it, the Universe gave me exactly what I wanted before I knew I wanted it, and then took it away through a series of circumstances and the fear of the ignorant heterosexual society, leaving me to flounder on my own in an attempt to rebuild a new life for myself, one which would include self fulfillment.
All my fences had been pulled down while Mr. Right pursued me, and by the time he outed me I was drifting without a lifeline. I missed the feeling of security my relationship, as it were, with Mr. Right gave me. While the relationship was far from conventional, even by currently acceptable gay standards, there was within me a feeling of security I derived from being in any kind of relationship, and I have to assume this was not a shared feeling. (I don't care what he told me, for my own sanity I have to assume these feelings were not truly shared).
By outing me so he could go on to live a sham of a second marriage to a woman, he took those feeling of security and twisted them into a form of hate for the woman he then impregnated all to prove to me and to the world he was straight, and our relationship meant nothing.
My knight in shining armor may have tarnished, and my mind told me I should forget him, but my heart still told me different. I watched this man leave his first wife, and sit staring off into space on a daily basis from March of 1996 until the last day I saw him, February 7, 1997, each day saying to me "I should love her. I should want her," referring to his then girlfriend.
And each day I would ask him the same questions, "Do you love her? Do You want her?"
And each day his answer was the same. "It's what society expects." He constantly refused to tell me what he wanted or expected of himself, because he told me it was important to fit into society, no matter what he felt.
As I sat watching this television show of exploration of the dating habits of confused women in a city, I thought how foolish my Mr. Right and I both were. Him for allowing himself to be controlled by what he believe others expected of him, and me for having allowed him to slip away the way he did. Perhaps I should've fought harder to help him face himself, to support his reaching out emotionally to me, and to offer him a shoulder to lean on, even when he was pulling away.
Instead I advised him to give the second woman who he didn't love everything she wanted, since he wanted to know how to get her to change and stop being a (his vulgar term for women) toward him, his children from his first marriage, and the world in general. So in a way, because this man never made a decision without being pushed into it by the opinions of others, I helped push him into a loveless marriage where yet another unwanted child was brought into the world. (It's now three more unwanted children and he and the second wife have split up.) I helped him retreat into his world of self-denial, illusion, lies, and secret sexual desires which he will only fulfill when his trophy wife, as he's taken to calling her, is out of town or out shopping for a few hours.
As the show drew to a close, with Sarah Jessica Parker's character thinking about the possibility of a relationship with a really cute city official, I continued my journey through my soul, picking at the litter along the way, and I realized Mr. Right had rescued me. When he outed me to my mother, and removed the fences I had erected around myself so many years ago, and I continued the process by refusing to retreat to the life he was now miserably living, he saved me from myself. He freed me from having to lie about who I was, and then having to face myself each and every day in a mirror which would reflect my lies.
I wish I could've returned the favor, but he wasn't ready to be saved. My knight in shining armor turned into a spineless jellyfish, willing to live the life from which he just rescued me. I needed his push to get out of my cocoon of security into the world where I could perhaps make the differences with my words and intentions, so he may one day join me in an honest look into the mirror bearing the reflections of the truth.
So some may call me a fool for loving a man like him, and others may wish we all remained behind our fences, but I'm here now to voice my opinions and do all I can to show the positive side of the out homosexual lifestyles so perhaps my Mr. Right, and others like him, someday won't fear the reactions of heterosexual society so much so they would allow themselves to live lives so royally f***ed.