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I Need A Hero
A Gay Opinion 12/02/00
by R.A. Melos

While making out my holiday shopping list, sitting here at my computer, fingers nimbly flying over the keyboard, I noted the list was short. Aside from the perpetual wish for a CD featuring Katherine Hepburn singing Great Balls Of Fire, I want a life companion.

I don't, as the Bonnie Tyler song requests, need a streetwise Hercules, nor any of the other complete stereotypes out there in Personal Ads Land. Oh yes, I've spent a lot of time perusing the personal ads on the plethora of web sites out there in cyber space, and I've come to the conclusion, as I read for the umpteenth time an ad from a guy looking for that average romantic, fun loving, witty, charming, handsome life mate, I'm really in great demand.

Laugh if you must, but I'm obviously a hot commodity, according to myself, and all the ads which seem to be describing me. On the other hand, my own ads read the same way, searching for that charming, witty, handsome, romantic male companion who will awaken my heart to all those wonderful things I know exist just outside the grasp of a single gay male.

The ads I've read, aside from the graphic descriptions of their sexual preferences, are all written by, if their photos are of themselves, for the most part, handsome men from all walks of life. All of these men are searching for that elusive life mate who will, they think, make all of their dreams come true. Now I wouldn't call this elusive creature Prince Charming, since most of the ads request their "Perfect Mate" to be an average gay man.

So, the question now becomes, does the perfect average gay male exist?

Growing up in the straight world we've all heard that cliché which states, there is a mate out there for everyone. Apparently, from what I've observed of straight relationships, there are several life mates for everyone, since multiple marriages and subsequent divorces seem to be the straight way of life. It is becoming apparent, this is also the gay way of life.

Sure, first we copy their desire for marriage, and then we'll want the same divorce rights. Ah, but there I go putting the cart before the horse. I haven't even found a stud pony of my own, and already I'm thinking of marriage and divorce.

Back to the matter at hand. A mate. We all know, or have a good idea of what our perfect mate will be like. What he looks like? What he does for a living? What he smells like after a long walk on a sandy beach in the rain? And we also know what he'll be like emotionally.

So, why do all the ads ask for the average gay male? Why are all the guys out there looking for the same man I am? And what about those guys who've found their mate? Are they happy? Are their mates happy? And if not, why aren't they surfing over my web profiles and requesting to meet me?

The thought I might actually find a man through an on-line profile personal ad is absurd to me, yet I know men who've done it. Sure, I fill out my own profiles, and keep them updated, but it's more of something to do than an actual expectation of finding a mate. I truthfully don't feel it's possible to meet a man on-line this way. Actually, even before I came out, I never believed in personal ads.

In my gay opinion, the only way to meet a man is to be out there somewhere, walking down a street, or in a crowd of a million people, not sitting at home reading an on-line profile of your potentially perfect mate and deciding whether or not he's the one by the photo he's chosen to post in cyber space. It all reminds me of the scene in Logan's Run, where Logan first meets Jessica 6 when she puts herself on the "Circuit" for the evening.

In case you haven't seen Logan's Run, it's a SiFi epic about a future society where everyone must die at 30. Oh, like this isn't a gay teen fantasy if I've ever heard one? A world where only beautiful young people exist; think about it. You place yourself on this transportation device where people can use a television remote type of control to change the person until their choice pops up. It's menu dating taken to the futuristic level.

I've even heard about a new trend call the Seven Minute Date. The concept is bizarre enough to possibly catch on in a big way. What happens is, you sit at a card table in a gathering place of other desperate singles, and someone sits opposite you. Then you each ask set questions of each other, and a bell rings, like in musical chairs, and you switch seats with someone else until you've interviewed all potential candidates in the room. Then you tally up you score sheet and see who might get to score.

Is it any wonder there are so many single people in the world?

So, back to my problem. How to find the perfect mate?

I still believe there is no one right way of finding the perfect mate. Personal ads may not be my personal preference, nor is Seven Minute Dating, however, these are valid methods of finding companionship for many people. I could always ask people to set me up, but the blind date is as attractive a concept, to me, as torture. Actually, they are the same thing.

So what will I do to find my hero?

Nothing. I'm not going out of my way to discover some hidden treasure lurking in a bar, or in a class which I have no valid interest in other than the possibility of meeting men, or even at a business convention. Oh sure, I'll accept help from my friends and family, when they think they've found their version of my perfect mate, and I might even go on a date, but is the hero, the mate, essential to living a fulfilled life?

Hell yes!


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