It was inevitable, my introduction of one of my alter-egos of sorts. Jerry is my CEO, so to speak, of my thought process. He's the one who helps me be me, and in turn makes me the better me I long to be. (Hey, if Anne Heche can do it, so can I.)

An Interview With Myself

A Gay Opinion 5/12/01

by R.A. Melos


I thoroughly enjoy writing, and have for most of my life, but when the question of why I do what I do, why I write, comes up, I have to turn to my mind, my thoughts, more specifically, Jerry, the voice of my Thought Collective who can answer more about my mind than I could. With this in mind, sorry, can’t resist a pun, I proceeded to interview Jerry.

Jerry: Well, it’s about time you got around to me.

RAM: This isn’t about you. It’s about why I write?

Jerry: Oh sure, everything is always about you.

RAM: Well, you are me. Technically speaking, anyway.

Jerry: Don’t flatter yourself. I’m in charge up here in the cityscape of your mind, and let me tell you, it’s pretty cluttered and fairly messy in general.

RAM: And that’s my fault?

Jerry: No, I’m just lobbying for better working conditions for all of your Thoughts. We put in long hours, and are extremely overworked, underpaid, and unappreciated.

RAM: Now wait a minute, I’m very appreciative of my own mind.

Jerry: No, that’s just your Vanity talking. He never shuts up. Yak, yak, yak, all day. Of course, that’s only when he’s not looking in mirrors. Speaking of which, I need to hire several more glass cleaners. You’ve got way too much glass, chrome and mirrors up here, along with the neon. When you write about other people’s minds, they always have tranquil fields and peaceful lagoons. You’ve got busy city streets, lots of hustle and bustle, and hubbub.

RAM: You’re point?

Jerry: Higher pay, less work hours per Thought, longer vacations, and a better dental plan.

RAM: Okay, so back to why I write. Why do I write?

Jerry: You don’t know?

RAM: Of course I know, I want you to tell the nice readers why I write.

Jerry: Oh. That’s easy, you write to escape.

RAM: Escape? Escape what?

Jerry: The cruelty you sense from society. Your Sensitivity is just way too sensitive, for my taste, but he was hired and tenured before I got my position.

RAM: So I’m writing to escape from society?

Jerry: Not really escape, but to create a barrier between yourself and the cruelty you’ve already experienced in your life. You’ve been very creative all of your life. The archives are full of stories, some completed, many just notes on possible stories. You’ve been very busy, at least in your mind, since you were a small child.

RAM: And this barrier, does it protect me from the cruelty of the world?

Jerry: Nope. Like I said, your Sensitivity is just way too sensitive. You pick up on things, looks, glances, stares, gestures, and are very good at reading into them their true intent. I blame that on your Intuition, who is very well paid, I might add.

RAM: Does my Intuition protect me from the pains society can inflict?

Jerry: Nope. You would like to believe your Intuition can protect you, but you feel too completely, too thoroughly, too much. You allow unintentional cruelties of society, such as people who offer to pray for you because we’re gay, to hurt you more than they should. You take it to heart, and feel threatened or attacked when people like Dr. Laura or Fred Phelps make a public tirade against homosexuality. You feel the pain of the oppression and the fear of the physical abuse you underwent for most of your early years, not to mention the confusion created by living a closeted life for so long.

RAM: It was tough, but I think I faired pretty well.

Jerry: Oh, I guess you did. I mean, considering how sensitive you are to scathing remarks and your complete aversion to secrets and lies.

RAM: Well, since I was closeted I obviously wasn’t completely adverse to secrets and lies.

Jerry: No, at one time you were open to the closeted secrets, the hiding your sexuality, your Essence of Self, to protect yourself from society and to protect the feelings of others, but once you were outed all of those defense mechanisms fell away. You stopped keeping secrets and never lied to protect yourself again. You released your Essence of Self from its prison and, you underwent a complete transformation of personal morality.

RAM: And this is a bad thing?

Jerry: No, not at all. In fact, being willing to speak out as an openly gay man, and stand up for your rights, is a wonderful thing, but you are frustrated by the slow pace at which society catches up with these changes. Your Sense of Frustration is another of your overachiever senses, always working overtime, never taking time off. Of course the constant bombardment from society with inane news article on how homosexuality is a choice rather then a birthright really ticks him off. And then there are the articles, disguised as scientific studies, proving how gay men can just stop being gay. With this kind of asinine drivel being spoon fed to the public, it’s no wonder you feel frustrated. Top this off with your governments back-peddling, and ham-handed approach to hate crime legislation, and anyone can see why you feel frustrated.

RAM: So, I write to escape my feelings of frustration?

Jerry: Partially. At one time in your life you wrote in effort to fit in, to be part of the society which hurt you, but that ended quickly, and once you were outed you became determined not to allow yourself to be re-closeted because society wasn’t comfortable with homosexuality. You became determined to show society you belonged, whether on not everyone agreed with your God given birthright.

RAM: Has it worked?

Jerry: Are you kidding? You know it hasn’t. People are very slow to change and come around to the way things will eventually be, and you know it. A large segment of society has accepted, some grudgingly, the fact homosexuality exists, and many are still using the fears ingrained in much of society by religion as a weapon to combat what they feel is a threat to the heterosexual way of life. It’s unfortunate, because if they would look at history, some of the greatest minds have been gay. Most of the philosophers of ancient times, at least one well-known military leader, and many world leaders, were all gay. Yet, this knowledge is suppressed.

RAM: So will my writing change that suppression?

Jerry: Probably not, but it’s worth a try. You’ve already made a mark by becoming a published author, and your opinions, all of which the Thought Collective takes full credit for, have the ability to move people to think for themselves, instead of following society blindly. If every homosexual would stand up and be counted, speak out for themselves, and let heterosexual society know they’re mad as hell and not going to take being treated as second class citizens denied the same rights the heterosexuals flaunt, if they would let the world know their unions, whether called marriages or not, are just as sacred to them as those which are presided over by priests, ministers, rabbis, whatever, and they will not be denied the respect every union deserves, things may start to change.

RAM: You think?

Jerry: I am Thought. Thus, I am knowledge.

RAM: Wow. Heavy.

Jerry: You betch ya. So, have I answered your question?

RAM: I guess so. And you’ve given me more to think about.

Jerry: Great, more work, and I’ve got a hot game of mahjong going on by the hotel pool. Can you hold the rest of your ponderings until the Thought Collective can clean up? We were having a ticker tape parade earlier this morning in honor of your Sense of Inner Peace, and your Sense of Self-Worth, both missing for far too long, and well, we just haven’t had a chance to get your mind uncluttered.

RAM: I’ll see what I can do.

Jerry: Thanks.



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