This is an example of how much a closeted homosexual suffers, or suffered in my generation, at the hands of a cruel and uncaring society. Had I been allowed to experience life the way heterosexual children had; been allowed to express my sexuality without fear as a child, I wouldn't have gone through this teen angst moment in my 30s.
I know just how melodramatic this sounds, and frankly I don't give a damn. Heterosexual society has been let off the hook because too many homosexuals are willing to back down and allow heterosexual society continue its claim heterosexuality is "normal."
When I reread this, it could've been written by a love sick teenager, and of that I am not ashamed, only angered because it should've been written by a love sick teenager when I was a teenager, but I was denied that right by a society which emotionally oppressed me with psychological tactics no better than any other form of terrorism.
Terrorism is a topic much on the minds of Americans today, but will they recognize the results of heterosexual terrorism upon a gay male?
I recognize it, but than, I lived it.
A Gay Opinion 12/01/00
by R.A. Melos
I've always believed every situation in life happens for a reason, and we are meant to learn from each experience. Thus the reason I have spent so much time dissecting my relationship with Mr. Right. I'm looking for the positive lesson from my experience.
Is it possible there is no positive lesson to be learned from loving him?
I know he ended the relationship hating me because, at that time, his girlfriend wanted him to cut me out of his life. I know his abruptly removing me from his life not only hurt me, but it taught me to never again trust anyone as completely as I trusted him.
I think most of all I was disappointed by his actions. I've never believed in holding in my emotions, and after he outed me I no longer believe in hiding anything about myself, so the concept of two people not talking, not trying to work out and resolve their problems in a mature way, not sitting down face to face and discussing their differences, all seems foreign to my way of thinking.
My ex-lover, it seems, just likes to pretend people who hurt him don't exist. At least, he likes to pretend those he can't bully around don't exist. So, I spent 4 years trying to cope with the feelings of abandonment he placed in my life, and trying to figure them out without his help.
I know I hurt him, as he hurt me. And I know I don't regret outing him anymore then he regrets outing me. So the question then is, why, even though we hurt each other so much, do I still care about him?
Part of me thinks it's because he told me many times, after I first told him how I felt, to never stop telling him I loved him. Well, just because someone hurts you doesn't instantly turn your feelings toward them to hate. In fact, I never hated him. Not the kind of hate where you remove someone from your life. It's like a childish punishment to cut someone out of your life.
Yes, it hurts to think he hates me that much, but it also doesn't hurt because I don't care if he hates me, I still consider him one of the best experiences in my life, and someone who I'll always consider a friend and love as a friend.
I'm sure he would never understand this kind of emotion, or my feelings of love for him. I really do only wish him the best in life, but I wish him the best through honesty and truth. It was our lies to ourselves and others which destroyed our friendship, and I do regret that loss, but if losing our friendship makes him happy, if never seeing me again, by his choice, makes him happy, if denying our sexual relationship makes him happy, if pretending I never existed makes him happy, then so be it.
There are many people who like to rewrite their personal history, and I was one of them, but thanks to his intervention in my life, I no longer believe in anything other than honesty. So, I honestly will love him and care for him, even if I never see him again in this lifetime.
Will I stop living my life just because he's chosen to not be a part of it? No.
I'm busy with many things in my life which make me very happy. My family, my business matters, having my first novel published in paperback. All of these things make me happy. This doesn't mean my life is perfect. In fact it is far from perfect, but I'm content with much of it as I am with the knowledge you can only change so much at one time.
My ex-stud pony (think Shetland ponies, the miniature breed of horses) obviously meant a lot to me sexually, as I constantly refer to him as a stud. He was a stud. Oh, not like some body builder guy or some major television star, or anything along those lines. And the things that made and probably still make him a stud aren't all sexual, they are the little things which he did which I found endearing.
I'm sure I mentioned before the only gift he gave me which I kept. If I didn't I'll tell you now. He handed me a golf tee one day in a diner. It was silly, and not what some would call romantic, but I found that to be sweet gesture. He did his best to be a good friend to me, and I know, on some levels, I let him down in his expectations of me. I couldn't keep lying, and wouldn't, and now, thanks to him, I never have to lie again.
I do wish I could've given him the last gift I purchased for him. He knows about it, as I told him what it was, but I couldn't give it to him because his 2nd wife would've thrown a fit. I had a star named for him through the International Star Registry. Why? Why would I do this after all the pain and suffering we caused each other, and all the hurt I felt he caused me?
He was a star in my life. His light, even if it was fueled by lies, freed me from my own personal bondage, and allowed me to start to shine in my own right. His acts, whether meant to be malicious or not, set me free to pursue my life as an open and happy gay man. I can't express how happy I've been feeling as of late, even if I can never tell him how much he did help me or how happy he eventually made me, that star, named for him, is my own semipublic secret tribute to him, to my love for him, and to what I know he is capable of being.
A symbol of my love will always exist in some form eternally. As I said, this doesn't mean I'm not getting on with my life. My next venture, aside from work, is filling the void he left in my life with the right person. I only hope I can find someone who is all of the things he is, with one exception. My next love will be open and out and accepting of himself. That doesn't diminish what I felt for my former friend and lover, it only pays more tribute to him. Whoever is lucky enough to have me in their life next will have him to thank for helping to form me into the man I am.