Being happy with ones self is a major accomplishment in anyone's life. It took a long time to discover this within myself.
Don't Make Me Over
A Gay Opinion 5/15/01
by R.A. Melos
"It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit" -- Noel Coward
I'm a happy homosexual, or rather I'm happy being a homosexual. Until the other night, while reading a comment posted in a gay US-Political forum on About.com, I never really gave the aspect of happy homosexuality much thought. The comment which got me to thinking addressed the fact many homosexuals have, at some point in their lives, wished they could be straight.
I have never, since before I even knew what gay was, wished to be any other way than I am. As a child, during my formative years when I was abused by peers simply because I was being me, when I was called a fag or a queer, I never went home and wished I could be more like the very people bullying and beating me. I never wished to be other than I am. My wishes were for society to change. I wished others would leave me alone to be the person I was by nature. I wished to be accepted for who I was, instead of conforming to what it seemed a majority of people expected of me.
The notion of people not accepting themselves as they are, and wishing to change so they could fit into society, seemed ludicrous. However, after thinking back on all I have read about the persecution of homosexuals, and knowing the cruelty I experienced at the hands of my peers, I could see how some gay people might've wished to be like those who were cruel to them. I never thought that way, simply because I instantly hated those who were so cruel to me, I could never conceive of becoming like them. Yet I did see others who were willing to give up their identity, their emotional selves, in order to be accepted by people who made them feel inferior or hated.
I even saw it in my ex-lover, when he chose to live a lie and "fit in" with a society he felt would never accept him if he were true to himself. Well, on some level, he was true to what society teaches us all when we are children. On some level living a lie was a learned behavior, and he was only choosing to live as he was taught. Denying one's homosexual nature is one of the first things a homosexual learns.
There has been a lot of talk about homosexuality being a learned behavior, but sexuality is not what is learned, the corruption and abuse of sexuality is the learned behavior. The abuse of love is a learned behavior, but your inborn desires and attractions to either the opposite sex or the same sex is not learned. At least, no one taught me to love and be attracted to men.
I always, deep down in my heart, knew I was different, but I never wanted to change myself and be "normal", because I was normal. I was honest to myself, to my desires, and only closeted to my parents because I was taught by my peers, even the ones who abused me on a daily basis, you never told adults anything important. In other words, my peers taught me to lie, and silently encouraged me, along with the rest of society, to live a lie, to be closeted.
Well, all that changed, and I no longer accept any form of deception or lie. Society, on the other hand, still encourages us, the gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered community (GLBT), to lie and hide. We are constantly barraged with news articles on how we can "become straight," "change our perverse way," "be ex-gays," "become normal."
The technical term is conversion, and it is premised on the assumption we are not accepting of ourselves and our sexuality. I can see how many of us might not be comfortable with our sexuality when we are berated from the time many of us are children, and taught by those we trust, but not completely, our parents, to be "normal."
Well, I am normal, in my opinion, and the abnormal behavior is that of people who try to force conformity of all those not like themselves in an effort to gain control. I will not be controlled by anyone other than myself, nor will I accept the lies of the closet, simply to make the so-called "normal" people feel comfortable.
I have never wished to be any other way than gay, but my wishes for a society to be more tolerant and more accepting of me have slowly come true to some degree. When I was a child homosexuality was still considered a disease, a mental illness, but those definitions have changed. When I was a child very few homosexuals were out of the closet, and that has changed. When I was a child, wishing to be left alone to be myself, I never thought this would be allowed without my having to move away from everyone and everything I knew in order to have my own happiness, and I now have been out, in my own hometown and to my own family, for several years and I have been accepted as I am.
I know not all homosexuals are this lucky, and not all homosexuals can get beyond the level of the society which forces them to live a secluded life of lies, but the times are changing. I know I sound like a broken record, but I will always urge everyone to live their lives in open honesty and to be true to their nature.
I don't like the idea of "don't ask, don't tell," or the attitude of much of society, many of whom are "only trying to help" by imposing their idea of what is "normal" and how I should be "normal" because my soul will burn in Hell if I don't. I don't need anyone to tell me about my eternal soul, because I believe my soul, and everyone else's soul, is eternal and will reincarnate after this body ceases to function. I don't believe in Hell, so no one can threaten me with such foolish notions, nor oppress me because they want their way.
I've already lost too much time and wasted too much love on a society which doesn't deserve either from me. I'm a person who now has come into my own, and am very willing to stand up and tell "normal" society just how abnormal they are, and I do not care what their response to me will be, because I don't wish to be made over into the image of a "straight" society.
I choose not to be married to a person of the opposite sex, spawn a couple children, get divorced, pay alimony and child support, get remarried to another person of the opposite sex, spawn a few more children, eventually divorce again, pay more alimony and child support, and continue a vicious cycle of self denial. I choose to be truthful with society and truthful with myself. I don't want a make over, and don't expect the so-called "normals" to try to make me over, because I'm happy with who I am, and all I ask of the world is to be accepted and respected for who I am.
I am a happy gay male, who has never wished to be anything other than who and what I am.