A Gay Opinion 1/21/02
by R. A. Melos
When I look back upon the situations which lead up to my being outed, I realize just how ready I was, and how much I wanted to be outed. I know this to be true because, when my ex-lover outed me to my mother, if I had wanted to continue living my closeted lies, I would've denied everything he said, lying to cover my lies, just as he did when I returned the favor a year and a half later.
We all do things when we are ready to do them, and no amount of pushing and prodding can make us do things any faster. This is mostly true of accepting and affecting changes in our lives.
I had been looking and ready for a change long before my former lover came into my life. He was a catalyst to my becoming the person I am today. I'm sorry I was unable to be the same catalyst for him, but he wasn't ready to embrace a change. Perhaps he simply wasn't meant to change, because his changing would've effected my change. I like to think it would've made things easier for me, because I wouldn't have felt so cutoff and alone in my new existence, but I realize that isn't true. Had he changed or accepted in himself all which I could see and accept within him, more than likely, it would've stifled my own growth as a person because my love for him was all consuming, and that love would've overshadowed any chance I had to grow on my own.
I guess, if I truly believe in things like destiny and karma, everything happens for a reason and the universe never makes mistakes or it corrects the mistakes. So to feel cheated by actions, or inactions, of another is to deny the experience, or prolong it while searching to reverse the situation or correct it. After all, if it requires correcting, in time, the universe will correct it.
Our free will allows us to choose our paths and sometimes it's simply a matter of being prepared for the journey. I wasn't completely prepared for my journey of self-acceptance, because I didn't realize it was something I would have to do alone.
Up until that point in my life I never really had to do anything without the help of another person. Oh sure, I wrote, which is a solitary practice, but that path had been chosen when I was six or seven. The path I hoped for when I became involved with my ex-lover, was the path of relationships, but I was not prepared to be part of a couple when I hadn't accepted myself for who I was. I now realize being fully accepting of yourself, seeing yourself as you truly are, is essential before you can truly be part of a successful relationship.
Accepting lies, or choosing to live a life of lies is only prolonging or delaying the universal changes which must occur in everyone if they are to grow as a person.
I don't want to sound judgmental of my ex-lover, because I must believe he did exactly as he was meant to do in order for me to grow spiritually and emotionally. The pain of this kind of growth can be overwhelming, and the healing of this pain does take a lifetime.
I went from viewing myself as different, to viewing myself as a lying closeted homosexual, to viewing myself as a truly out and proud homosexual, to viewing myself as just another segment of society. Of course I'm special, because we are all special. It's learning to accept the special as ordinary which seems to create havoc in society.
Inadvertently, coming out was my choice. The method chosen by me, and the timing by me, yet I managed to convince myself it had been my ex-lover's decision, just as, I'm sure, he convinced himself my outing him was my decision even though he kept pushing me, through his actions towards me, and his words, to out him. I realize I did the same to him, but I didn't back out or run scared at the final moment of truth.
If anything, I learned making sense of the seemingly random causes and effects in life shows me a clearer understanding of the power of the universe and the infinite possibilities therein.