I was just beginning to really test my wings, as it were, stepping out for an evening of total gay entertainment, or for what passes as total gay entertainment in New Brunswick New Jersey.

Theories On A Night Out

A Gay Opinion 5/21/00
by R.A. Melos

Last night I went to a local gay bar. As bars go in general, it is very nondescript, much like any bar in any town. There is a pool table in one room, with a lot of guys in muscle tee's standing around, smoking and sipping from bottled beers. Oh, sorry, some of those guys are girls. Anyway, the main room is much like every bar I've ever been in, a long oak bar down one wall, and men and women all around, watching television, or checking out tunes on the jukebox. The disco room may have been something different from the local small town bars, but not that different. There are two bars, one in each of the front corners, and lots of men and women standing around, while maybe one or two people attempt to boogie to the beat on the dance floor.

I had been out most of the night having a gay ol' time, having attending my first drag show earlier in the evening. Prior to this my only experience with drag was having seen "Jerry Herman's La Cage Aux Folles" on Broadway, the movie "The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Outback," and a friend from college who liked to dress like Elizabeth Taylor in her pre Whose Afraid Of Virginia Woolf days, so it never occurred to me that, having seen a Milli Vanilli concert, I had already experienced lip-synching.

I do give the performers great credit for their talents, since it truly is more than standing up on stage and moving their lips. Also their ability to walk in spiked heels was amusing.

It was during the earlier part of the evening, which was held at the local Pride Center in New Brunswick New Jersey, I came to the conclusion for every 25 guys I saw there would be two cute guys. Myself and one other. I reached this conclusion using logic only someone else born under the sign of Gemini will full comprehend. It isn't really scientific, but more individualistically oriented.

It all started because I noticed this man with dark hair, light skin, a Roman nose, dark eyes, and a button with the phrase "Husband Hunting" on it . I couldn't resist asking him about the button, and if he caught any? I also asked him what kind of gun he used, and was it a rapid fire or a repeater? He laughed at my little attempt at humor, but alas he moved on. I've never been good at the small talk.

Anyway, armed with my new theory of cute guys being 2 to 25, and one of those being me, I decided to hit the above mentioned gay bar to test my theory. I could always fantasize about the first cute guy, but he gave me hope of finding others. There can't be only 2 cute guys in the entire area, I reasoned.

I just happen to have hit the bar on Go Go Boy night in the disco room. Now for those of you who don't know what a Go Go Boy is, picture a man between the ages of 21 and 30something, wearing a G-string, chaps, work boots, completely devoid of upper body hair, oiled up to glisten in the bad lighting, shaking his booty, and gyrating his groove thing, and generally getting jiggy to a new version of "Sisters, Are Doin' It For Themselves," and you've got the general idea of a Go Go Boy.

As I began to put my theory to the test, I first ruled out the dancers since they were not only expected to look good, but they were strictly look but don't touch. I then began scanning the crowd, and, to my horror, discovered two things. One being the distinct lack of other cute guys, and two being the large number of straight couples in this so-called gay bar.

Now I tried to rationalize this by first assuming most of the men were really gay and just there with female friends, but the fact these guys were touching and kissing the women quickly made me realize they weren't you run of the mill gay men. Okay, so maybe they were bi? They weren't touching each other, so I ruled out BI Not that I probably could have had any one of them, if they fell into my cute theory, but they didn't even come close.

It was at this point in the evening I abandon my theory and latched on to the theory of the danger of homosexuals losing their identity as more heterosexuals become accepting of our lifestyle. I'm not talking about the homogenizing of homosexuals into the heterosexual community, but the blending of the heterosexual and homosexual lifestyles to create a new society, one where straight men are comfortable enough with their sexuality to take their female companions to a gay bar to watch hot bodied studs in G-string wiggle their muscular butt cheeks at them, and even supply their women folk with dollar bills to tuck into those minuscule pouches.

Now I know I'm an advocate of gay rights, and I want a world where gay and straight people can live together in harmony, but it was disquieting to be confronted with it in such a manner. I do applaud the efforts of the straight men, none of whom were all that cute anyway, especially the one whose girlfriend made him go up and tip the dancer (he stuck the bill in the dancer's boot and scurried back to the safety of his fellow heterosexuals, blushing and looking around to see who was looking at him, before he kissed his girlfriend in a display usually seen only in porn films).

It wasn't the lack of cute men which was such a let down, really. No, I mean it! It was more of the sense of loss. I haven't been out all that long, and the world I envisioned for the future was one of me, my lover and his children from his previous life of heterosexual lies, a dog, a house, and a perfect life. Instead I'm now faced with not only having to guess which cute guys are gay, but also having to sort out the heterosexuals in a gay bar. I still think of gay bars as a bastion of homosexuality. If the heterosexuals are going to start frequenting gay bars, well, I might as well start hanging out at the neighborhood bar with all the local heterosexuals playing darts and watching Nick At Night, or ESPN.

Okay, so I'm one of those gay guys who wants to have my cake and to eat it too. I want the total acceptance of the heterosexual community, but I also want my own little haven where homosexuals can gather to socialize, and cruise one another with the freedom to make a pass and not have to worry about some heterosexual woman taking him away. On the other hand, the challenge of taking a so-called heterosexual male from his protective female and giving him a walk on the wild side is one I'm sure I can more than meet.

Unfortunately this is leading me back to the original problem, of my 2 in 25 theory. I know there were at least 200 people in that bar, and only one cute guy. I went home with him, alone.



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