I was contemplating what would truly make me happy at that particular moment in time. I still ponder what will make me happy.
The Pursuit Of Happiness
A Gay Opinion 9/23/00
by R.A. Melos
The other morning I heard two radio deejay's talk the usual annoying morning banter between playing the latest Red Hot Chili Pepper's song and something from Third Eye Blind. Usually I tune out their annoying voices, but something one of them said caught my attention. He said it was a good thing he wasn't gay because he would have a hard time finding an attractive man.
As a commercial ensued I thought about this statement. My ex-lover, a month or so ago, in an on-line Instant Message, had said he thought by now I would have found someone else. Well, that was another statement to ponder. Here I was considering two completely opposing viewpoints.
On the one hand there was a man who seemed to assume it should be easy for a gay man to find a partner, while another man assumed it would be very hard to find a partner. Well, after much consideration I realize both men are right.
The annoying Deejay who assumes it would be hard to find an attractive man is right; in that, contrary to heterosexual beliefs, not all gay men find every man they see attractive. While he felt it would be much easier to find an attractive woman because he saw women as much more attractive (I'm taking it that all heterosexual men find all women attractive in a rather indiscriminate manner.)
Now as a gay male I'm not beyond noticing a truly attractive woman, in the same way one can admire a fine work of art, beauty transcends sex. There are certain performers who have that quality, women like Kim Bassinger and Demi Moore, who are attractive no matter what they are wearing and carry themselves with a certain grace. Of course, just because I think these women are beautiful doesn't mean I want to sleep with them.
My ex-lover, on the other hand, was right in his assessment that there are plenty of gay men out there in the world. Of course while he is conveniently living a "straight lie", he would have no idea about trying to find a real partner to suit physical, spiritual, and emotional needs. If I were just looking for sex I could have already had several partners, and if I were looking for companionship, an ear to bend, a person to sit opposite me at lunch, or someone whose personality and style complimented my own, there also were several possibilities.
However, if I want that perfect combination I've already experienced once in life, I can not and will not settle for just the next guy who walks into my office in a dark gray suit looking hotter than any GQ model.
No, both men, the annoying Deejay and my annoying ex-lover, are perfectly correct in their assessments of their world in spite of their limited perspectives. And, while my perspective is just as limited in its own way, I have come to the conclusion that anyone, gay or straight, who can move from one relationship to another with the same ease as changing shirts has no real vested interest, emotionally, in the relationships.
In my way of thinking, the people who can easily replace one relationship after another are more interested in the aspect of having a relationship itself than with the person with whom they are having the relationship. Partners take on the relevance of an inanimate object which can be replaced when it wears out or loses it appeal, or simple doesn't suit the companion's mood.
I don't want an irrelevant relationship, nor do I believe in the impossibility of having what I want from a relationship. While on the one hand there are plenty of potential life companions splashing about in the gene pool, many in the more shallow end I'm afraid, the annoying Deejay's words still ring true. Not all men are attractive to me simply because they are gay.
The dilemma here is, as I stated earlier, I had my hotter than a GQ model in the form of my ex-lover, and one does not go from GQ to the Sears catalogue with ease. Now I know this sounds shallow, as if I'm basing a relationship on physical appearance alone, but I'm not. It's simply that looks are usually the first thing one person notices about another.
Once I find a suitable GQ replacement, there are still many factors which go into the overall package that will make a perfect relationship. After looks, in my book, comes sense of humor and intellectual compatibility. Mr. GQ is going to have to be able to keep up with my mind and my mouth (get your minds out of the gutter here. We haven't gotten to the sexual aspect yet. I'm talking about sharp-witted banter).
If Mr. GQ passes the first two trials, something which can be done in a matter of minutes, there is the physical compatibility (Okay this is the sexual part). Aside from the obvious, Mr. GQ is going to have to be at least my equal between the sheets, or on the floor, or table, or wherever. For me, all aspects of a relationship must be mutual, and sex is no exception.
Now supposing Mr. GQ gets through all of these preliminary requirements, I still require emotional compatibility. Even my ex-lover was not completely emotionally compatible with me. By this I mean, I need someone who is going to be willing to talk when a problem arises in the relationship, instead of keeping it in and refusing to talk for several days. If any future partner of mine insists on pouting, or keeping their anger to themselves rather then talking out the problem in a mature, or even immature manner, then there can be no real long term relationship with me.
I've already dealt with one relationship (friendship included) which fell apart because my partner refused to meet with me face to face and air his hurt feelings when he should have done so, but that is a lesson hopefully we both have learned. I'm of the mind set that doesn't go to bed until all anger and emotions have been aired and thoroughly discussed. (Okay, so maybe there is some sleep needed in between discussions for the really difficult relationship problems, and possibly even time apart may be required, but I believe every problem can be solved if two parties can talk them through).
I mentioned friendship in the previous paragraph. This is another important factor, for me, in any relationship. If my partner isn't my best friend then there is obviously something lacking between us. I believe in complete honesty and openness in all relationships, and that can lead to great friendships, but if there is no honesty, or even a slight lacking of honesty, then there are going to be other aspects of a relationship missing as well.
Knowing I require a lot from a relationship, going in, it is no wonder I can not simply go out and pick up a relationship at the supermarket. Although, the idea of the produce guy does sound appealing at times (just don't squeeze his melons). I'm not in love with the idea of a relationship and I do not require a relationship if there is nothing more than one or two elements of my definition of a relationship existing between me and my potential new Mr. Right.
Of course I'm not saying I enjoy being unattached and never want a Mr. Right replacement package, complete with adorable ears and crystal blue eyes, but I do not hate being unattached. While I'm searching for a perfect replacement, I have no need of the supposed requisite rebound relationship. Quite frankly, I've never seen the need to go from one person to another with no regard for the emotions on which one is treading, or the emotional havoc wrecked in someone else's life so your own can be more to your vision of yourself.
I know I'm not above any of the things I seem to condemn, but that is part of being mature. Just because I know what I am capable of doing, doesn't mean I have to do it. I've tried to take honest responsibility for my life, as apparently did Bill Clinton, and it hasn't hurt his karma so mine should be on the rise as well.
As for actually finding another Mr. GQ Right, well that's got to be left for another day, as I'm currently swamped with work and have only had time to wade through the shallow end of the gene pool moving slowly toward the more serious swimmers.