I Want To Be A Rock Star
A Gay Opinion 6/21/02
by R. A. Melos

I'm tired of my life. Well not really tired of my life, but tired of where I am or, more accurately, am not going. I'm tired of working as a Realtor in a greatly inflated market, and tired of dealing with customers and just plain tired of not being rich and famous. Once this realization sank in, as if it had far to sink, I knew I wanted to be something other than I was, and perhaps someone other than myself. That's when it hit. I want to be a rock star.

I'm a creative type person, and enjoy being the center of attention. Even though I dress in business casual for work, I really could get into Steven Tyler's tight leather pants, or Gwen Stefani's spandex jeans. Er, you know what I mean. Just once I'd like to show up at work wearing skin tight leather pants, snake skin boots, and either a leather vest, torn T-shirt or no shirt at all.

I'm sure knocking on a door and handing someone my business card while dressed like Bono or Elton John would really do wonders for my real estate career. More than likely I'd be arrested, but at least I'd be dressed like a rock star.

Maybe it's not really about being a rock star as much as it's about not being happy in my own skin. Bruce Springsteen said, "it's a sad man my friend who's livin' in his own skin, and can't stand the company." And Pink's hit "Don't Let Me Get Me" speaks volumes about what I feel much of the time when dealing with my customers.

So what's the answer? Do I take a Walter Mitty, now more popularly identified as an Ally McBeal, approach to the world and allow my fantasy life to eventually take over my "Real World?" Is fantasy the only escape left for me?

Okay, aside from the fact I would love to be a rock star, and wear the great clothes and get the adulation of screaming fans from around the globe, the reality of the situation is I can't sing a note. Now I know what you're going to say, neither can Alanis Morissette, most grunge band singers, or Leon Redbone. In their defense I must say, I like Leon Redbone. I wasn't into grunge just because it sounded dirty, and you're right about Alanis Morissette.

So back to me. Am I, as Pink's lyrics suggest "my own worst enemy"? And if I am, exactly how do I get from being my own worst enemy to becoming my own best friend?

There are days and weeks and sometimes months when life is just too complicated to handle. I know deep in my heart I can't run away from my life, because it'll always catch up with me in one way or another. Society offers platitudes such as "don't sweat the small stuff," and "life is a bowl of cherries," but when it comes right down to it "people suck" and are usually of no help whatsoever when you find yourself sorting out your own life.

Oh sure they'll offer their opinions, but will they pay your bills? Will they give you a meal, or a car? Janis Joplin asked the Lord for a Mercedes Benz, in her commentary on society. I'm not asking for a car, just some helpful guidance. Lately I've felt very alone and confused. I wonder if this is a result of September 11th, like an aftershock?

So do I really want to be a rock star, or simply find myself? I guess I wanna be the best me I am capable of being, and if that person isn't a world famous rock star maybe he'll be a world famous writer. Either way, until the time when I'm "on top of the world," I'll have to settle for just coping with it from day to day. I really think I can do that now.


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