All By Myself, Sort Of
A Gay Opinion
by R. A. Melos
As I lie in bed with my dog curled up in a ball next to me, while he licks his ass pausing only to cough like he's hacking up a fur ball but doesn't, I find myself contemplating my life. As he raises his leg and licks at the balls which are no longer there, I think about my lack of a significant human other. I also think about the personal habits of a boyfriend, and wonder how much I would tolerate?
Obviously I give my dog a lot of leeway, but that's because he's a domesticated wild animal. Although, from what I hear and read, I could easily think of a boyfriend in those same terms. Oddly enough, as I watch my dog alternate between preening his legs and paws, and coughing again, like he's hacking up a fur ball but doesn't, I realize just how content I am at the moment not having a boyfriend in my life.
I know a lot of people who define themselves by their relationships, who must be part of a couple in order to feel complete, but I have never been one of them. No matter what my relationship status, I never thought of myself as anything more than I am. I never felt the urge to talk about "my boyfriend," or use the words "us" or "we" in conversation. Granted, my relationship was not your ordinary one, with exclusivity, or actually doing anything together outside of the bedroom, but a relationship it was nonetheless.
Yes there have been many moments in the past when I wanted a meaningful relationship, when I wanted a boyfriend, companion, or significant other to be there with me. The relationship I did have taught me to rely on no one, because it is rare that someone will be or can be there for you when you really need them. I'm not saying people are never there for each other, only that my experiences have proven to be ones where I was left in the lurch, or standing in the rain, waiting or hoping for one to be there for me who wasn't capable of being there on any level.
Now I've finally reached that plateau in my life where I am happy just to be by myself, and enjoy my life as it is, instead of striving to complicate it by including someone else. This time in my life is new, and wonderful, and peaceful.
Listening to my dog pause from his personal hygiene regiment to pant heavily, I realize I've never felt such contentment. Would I feel the same with a boyfriend? I doubt it. This doesn't mean I've given up on the idea of having a significant other in my life, only that I'm now taking life as it comes and enjoying the moments.
Every once-in-a-while life seems to throw me a good moment.