Relationships and how to maneuver through one successfully, are a subject in which I have great interest. I failed at one, and haven't had a chance to have another, but I'm constantly looking for articles and information, so I'm prepared for one in case one just happens to pop up unexpectedly.
Semantics
A Gay Opinion 3/23/01
By R.A. Melos
Once again, the narrow-minded people of our society are rearing up in an effort
to quash the horror they see as, brace yourself, "Same-Sex Marriage."
People in the good state of Vermont, home of the same-sex civil union, are attempting
to pass a bill denying same-sex couples the right to marry.
Okay, I know you've heard it all before, we all have, but until the ignorant
masses of society get it through their thick heads, emotional commitment between
two people, regardless of their sex, whether sanctioned by the government, the
church, or Jerry Springer, is the basis of any union, making marriage a state
of mind, no matter what you call it, I'm going to harp on it.
Bill Clinton, the now former President of the United State, while doing many
good things for the gay community, did one really bad thing for over all society
when he played the semantics game in his lie to cover his "relationship"
with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky. It is the same type of game
now being played by lower level government officials in states throughout the
country in an attempt to ban gay marriage.
Of course all this comes back to man's inhumanity toward man, but that is something
we have lived with since the dawn of time. We have to face simple facts. The
human race, as long as more than one person exists on the face of the planet,
will always disagree. One person or group will always attempt to control another,
and in spite of anyone's best intentions, we will never get beyond this phase
until all groups are considered equal.
Okay, I know I'm asking for the impossible, but I'm asking for it anyway. It
never hurts to ask people to be understanding of one another. Oh, I know, it
rarely works, but this time I have ammunition in the form of a recent study
on the dynamics and differences in relationships between same-sex and opposite
sex couples conducted by psychologists John Gottman of the University of Washington
and Robert Levenson of the University of California at Berkeley.
Okay, for you none scientific minded among us, pretend you're reading a gossip
magazine article and this is a quiz on how you relate to your chosen life companion.
Now you don't have to be gay to take this little quiz, since anyone in a relationship
may take it. My only criteria is honesty, with yourself.
This study, which observed how each couple navigated the rougher waters of their
relationship, concluded same-sex couples were more affectionate and used more
humor in negotiating the rapids of their relationships. Same-sex couples are
more positive in their criticism of one another, are more sensitive about equality
issues and power struggles in a relationship, are less whining, domineering,
and belligerent toward one another in an argument, less negative and defensive,
than couples consisting of opposite sex partners.
Of interesting note is same-sex couples have fewer binding links tying them
together. There are no marriage licenses, less family pressure, and in many
cases no children, yet they fight harder to preserve their relationships than
opposite sex couples with all of the ties that bind. Opposite sex couples have
more of a tendency to ignore difficulties, to live a lie or pretend everything
is all right, even when they see the white waters swirling around them.
Now, from my personal observations of same-sex relationship, I have seen more
tenderness toward one another, more humor in dealing with potentially boat rocking
issues, and more commitment to the idea of being together as a couple, than
I've observed from all of my straight divorced friends.
Now I admit no relationship is perfect, and all relationships need work to maintain
their dynamics. I saw a couple willingly throw away their relationship, almost
hell-bent on its destruction, and I witnessed a man toss aside the possibility
of being loved for who he was, instead of what he could provide by way of material
objects for the person he ultimately chose as his partner. I've been hurt by
my own inability to properly communicate my love for a partner, when it was
most needed, because I just didn't know the right words to say to set things
right.
Now for the quiz:
1: Are you in a relationship? Yes No
2: Are you sure? Yes No
3: Does your partner think they are in a relationship? Yes No
4: Do you respect yourself? Yes No
5: Do you respect your partner? Yes No
6: Do you talk to your partner about your feelings? Yes No
7: Does your partner talk to you about their feelings? Yes No
8: Have you lied to your partner about anything ever? Yes No
9: Do you trust your partner? Yes No
10: What do you want from your relationship? (an essay question)
Now, take this quiz, and have your partner take this quiz. Then exchange answers
with your partner and sit down and talk things out. I know, if I had gotten
my ex-partner to talk, given him the room to talk, listened to him, and showed
him I loved him, we might actually be partners today.
So whether it is called marriage, civil union, or living together, the commitment
to a relationship is obviously a state of mind. If you feel committed to your
partner, it won't matter whether you've got a scrap of metal on your finger
and a license in your safety deposit box, but if you don't feel a sense of commitment,
rest assured your legally bound partner will take everything you own in an attempt
to hurt you back for the pain you cause them.
If it weren't for lawyers, and their ability to take even the most precious
union and reduce it to a material value, committing to one another would be
much easier, in my opinion. Of course I can't blame everything on lawyers. Ignorant
members of society who would do anything to hurt those who don't think as they
do can tear apart even the strongest of relationship, so I know from experience
weaker minded relationships never really stand a chance.
It's a shame, because in the end, the ones who are denying themselves the chance
to have the relationship they really wanted, all out of a desire to be accepted
by an unfeeling society which would then find some other reason to ostracize
them, are the ones who lose out on the wonderful feeling of standing up to society,
sticking their tongues out, and letting society know they are going to make
it work because they are more important to each other than the opinions of strangers
are to them.
Information for this opinion was taken from an article written by Peter Freiberg
appearing in the Washington Blade.