This was meant as a statement of the desire for love. It is a statement of the desire for love, which has, as yet, gone unfulfilled in my life. Part of the hunt for love is finding the right prey, and having very little experience as a hunter, I'm not very good at it. However, I am always ready just in case love does fly passed. I keep my gun polished and ready.
A Gay Opinion 6/26/00
by R.A. Melos
Sex, to me, is sacred. I put the acts of sexual intimacy on the same level
as miracles; they are so good it is almost impossible to believe they occur.
Now, for any non-pagans reading this, let me clarify, in my belief any acts of intimacy are considered celebrations of the deities. So, any joy, laughter, merriment of any kind is celebrating the creators.
In fact one of the ultimate rituals, called the Great Rite, a different form of communion, is performed as two people engaging in sexual intercourse. Imagine how that would liven up those dull Sunday morning services.
Unfortunately, once I started thinking of intimacy with another person as something sacred, love entered the picture and screwed up some of the fun. Not that sex with someone you love isn't fun. On the contrary, this is the best kind of sex.
Now love and sex, while perfect together, are two separate things. Many people lead perfectly happy lives without one of these two, but I'm not one of those people. I have come to the conclusion, sex without love is a completely unfulfilling experience, right up there with any Richard Gere film in which he does not have a nude scene.
I experienced what can only be described as closeted love with my Mr. Right. I was very open of my love for him, and still am, and he was terrified to tell me what he felt until it was too late. People have to live with their choices, even if they have to brainwash themselves into believing they are the right choices, and some people have to live with the decisions other people make, in spite of the emotional pain caused by those decisions.
I had love, albeit an unusual love, and thus I enjoyed many fulfilling sexual experiences. When I say fulfilling I'm talking "Ohmigawd! YES! YES! YES!" sex, which I attribute to the fact I was in love.
Prior to Mr. Right a.k.a. the spineless re-closeted jellyfish, none of my very few intimate experiences had any level of fulfillment. Completion, yes. Fulfillment, no. I chalk up my experiences BMR (before Mr. Right) to youthful enthusiasm, and a healthy libido.
Now, facing life AMR (after Mr. Right), I have discovered a distinct lack of fulfillment once again, only this lack of fulfillment doesn't even reach the sheets.
My BMR relationships were very much no strings attached situations. I was in my 20's and didn't believe in attachments. I did, and still do, believe in soulmates and life long friendships, but not strings.
Well, times change, and we eventually hit an age, say 37, when we want attachments. I want those strings. I want a replacement for my defective Mr. Right a.k.a. the spineless re-closeted jellyfish. I know hindsight is 20/20, and I should have seen this coming a decade away, but I was too wrapped up in the sexual euphoria of my dysfunctional relationship with my dysfunctional Mr. Right to notice what was lacking on other levels of my life.
I had a friend and a lover but, judging from the results of that relationship, he was the wrong one no matter how right it felt at the time. So now I am once again faced with the task of replacing what doesn't work in my life.
I wish there was a return counter for dysfunctional lovers, emotional baggage, and dead batteries, where I could take back the one who caused me all the pain and displeasure, fill out a form and either get a new working model or get reimbursed for the time and love I wasted.
There is a line in a song that goes, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."
While Mr. Right and, it seems, most of society have the ability to convince themselves they do love whom ever they are with, I do not have this unique ability of self-deception. My life would be so much easier if I could simply love whom ever I was with at the moment, but then my life would be nothing but a pack of self-deluded lies.
All of this is rather irrelevant since my internal desire for love to be combined with sex takes on an external effect, a kind of divining rod effect if you will. Now this really isn't a bad thing, and I assure you I do not use this as my only guide, it's just disappointing when you meet a handsome man and you feel nothing, not even a twitch from the divining rod.
I believe we all have these internal sensors, although not all of us have the same methods for divining the truth, and some of us are lucky enough to have that extra buffer which will protect us from other outside influences while traveling on our life paths.
I have reached a fork in the road of my life path, where love has become more important than sex, and that is a major step in emotional evolution. So for me, without love, without emotionally binding strings, there can be no sex since emotional fulfillment is a key ingredient to complete euphoria.
Now don't fret. I am determined to have a fulfilling and balanced relationship again. So I will continue to seek the next Mr. Right who will fulfill me. I know many people argue that the only way to reach total fulfillment is to be a self-fulfilling person, but I believe it is possible to be self-fulfilling and have outside fulfillment as well.
My next Mr. Right will be the updated new millennium model. He will have a spine, will be out, open and honest, and will be much more handsome than the first model, with an emotional maturity the first model sorely lacked. It wouldn't hurt if he had a lot of money, but that is not an essential to happiness.
I guess this means I am a romantic at heart. Or as romantic as possible in today's society. Perhaps this condition within me is due to the era in which I was raised, or the types of relationships I was exposed to while growing up, or one too many Doris Day movies on the late show.
On the path to spiritual fulfillment, belief is a strong guide. I do believe.