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The meaning of the cyclical nature of the universe is even more clear, a year after writing this, as the United States is now at war. We, as a race, must learn the lesson of peace and love and acceptance and tolerance of our fellow man. The faces change, but the situations remain the same, until the cycle can be broken. I want the cycles of pain, hate and anger, within my own life, ended.

I don't want to wake up and feel the anger I do these days, and also the anger I've experienced throughout my life time directed toward me because I was different from so-called normal people. We can change the world, with peace, love and harmony, if we try.

What Goes Around, Comes Around
A Gay/Pagan Opinion 8/23/00
by R.A. Melos

If everything in life is cyclical, and our actions in life are rewarded or punished as applicable, then it makes perfect sense to expect everything to work itself out, and justice to eventually prevail. We may avoid situations one or two times, but they will keep coming up in our lives until we deal with them.

The cycles are evident when we stop and reflect on our lives and the actions we took in dealing with certain situations. In my own life, I see the cycles and how I've avoided dealing with things, and how they kept reoccurring until I dealt with them.

One of the main things I had avoided in my life was accepting my homosexuality, and when I was finally ready to consider full acceptance of myself, it was because of a relationship with someone who wasn't ready to accept the same thing within himself. Amazingly enough, from all he did tell me about himself, he will undoubtedly be plagued by his own closeted self until he too finds himself in a situation where his only option will be self acceptance.

I have rehashed my life with several counselors over the past few years, mostly because of my relationship with the former Mr. Right, but also because of the avoidance I have created within my own cycles of karmic justice. I have realized my anger with the woman who is ex-Mr. Right's current-wife-of-the-moment is completely misplaced, as I can't really blame her for doing the things she did to cause his separation from his first wife, since, had I been a straight woman or an openly gay male at the time, I finally admitted to myself, I would have done the exact same things.

The only thing which held me back from full pursuit of my ex-lover, at the time, was my own fear of coming out. Ironically, he helped me overcome my fear by outing me before I could get the chance to come out on my own. It hurt at the time, but in retrospect not as much as I feared it would, or do the damage I thought would be irrevocable in my family relationship.

After being outed I still practiced avoidance, fearing repercussions, while speaking to counselors. Several of them told me I would never feel happy until I outed my ex-lover and brought everything back to a mutual level in our relationship. I avoided doing what I knew I had to do for two years, but the counselors were right. After I returned the outing favor, I felt fantastic.

It was amazing how so much of my life got back on track simply by refusing to lie about anything in my life again, and by telling the secrets I had been keeping for far too long.

I have spoken with counselors who tell me to refuse to go to the darker side of my psyche, but I feel one must explore their own painful situations in order to grow as a person. Avoiding the inevitable is only a way of prolonging your own pain, and is unhealthy.

As a pagan, and as a person who believes in truth, honesty, and acceptance of self, I see the cycles in my own life and how avoiding them in the past has only set me up for the pain of the present. I avoided situations only to recreate the exact same situation at a future time in my life. Each situation grew closer together in time frame as well, until I reached the points where I needed to be in order to effectively deal with them.

I look at my own life, and the lives of those I care about, and I see the cycles of acceptance and avoidance. I see my ex-lover has rebuilt exactly what he had before he and I became involved, only it took him a much shorter time to retreat back to his comfort zone. Thus, it will take him an equally short time to tear everything down again.

As for me, I too retreated to a comfort zone, but I realize I must stretch outside of my comfort zone in order to have the happiness I deserve in my life. We all must reach outside of the merry-go-round effect of karma and grab for the brass ring in order for us to grow as people. I am reaching a point in my life where I am the happiest I have ever been, and I have so many counselors and my ex-lover to thank for all the wonderful feelings of true self-worth and accomplishment I experience.

While growing up I heard the phrase "what goes around, comes around" many times, but only now when I'm older do I see the meaning of this phrase and the joy and excitement it can bring with it.


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