This opinion was written in response to a collaboration question of how I self identify? Am I gay? Bi? Straight? Well, the answer is gay, but I'm so much more. We are so much more than the terms by which we identify ourselves.
Mirror, Mirror
A Gay Opinion 6/19/00
by R.A. Melos
We all identify ourselves differently; some by jobs, some by looks, some by
relationship status, and some by number. When we look in the mirror what do
we all see? Are we looking at our reflection just to check our hair, or make-up,
or the way our clothes look? Are we looking for perfection, or flaws?
When I look in the mirror I see different people at different times. A long
time ago, I would wake each day and when I looked at my reflection I saw a liar,
someone who couldn't even face his own reflection for very long because the
reflection told the truth, and I didn't want to see the truth.
No, from an outward appearance, if you were to look at me I might not appear
to be gay. It wasn't the outward reflection that was bothering me, it was the
reflection of my soul, something only I could see, staring back at me, mocking
me, calling me a liar because I was trying to pass for something I'm not; straight.
What was worse was the self loathing I was creating within myself. I knew, for
a very long time, I was gay, but I didn't want to admit that dark secret to
myself, so I would fight the desires, and cause myself more damage on the emotional
level. I wanted something which I was raised to believe was wrong, so I was
denying myself the right to live my life as I pleased.
This denial ended up costing me more than I can sometimes bear. To think I could've
been out as a teenager, to look in the mirror and see a happy young man, adjusted
to his sexuality, and accepting of himself, instead of the man who was self-loathing
because of brainwashing by an uncaring society, still hurts. These are emotional
scars, caused by that very same society I was trying to fit into, and these
scars will never fully heal.
No matter what I've become, as far as looking in the mirror and seeing a gay
man who is adjusting to the shift in his own perception of himself, and the
shift in societies attitudes toward homosexuality, those deeply embedded scars
are there for life.
Now the identity, the name I choose for myself is G-A-Y. I've come to accept
this term more than queer, which for me has its own deeply scared memory, or
homosexual which I find too clinical. I'm a gay man. Gay has happy overtones,
derived from the original meaning of the word before it was adopted by a community
of people looking for a term which would describe them more fully, yet not carry
the disparaging connotations placed on other terms by the medical community.
Possibly I identify with gay because it's a simple straightforward term, without
need of more explanation. If you tell someone you're gay, they no longer assume
you are happy, they usually don't bother to ask if you're sure, and they either
accept it as fact or leave you alone.
Am I happy with the person I see in the mirror?
Yes.
Am I content with that person, as I am, or is there room for improvement?
There's room for improvement.
How?
How might I improve on that reflection which stares back at me from time to
time when I glance in the mirror? I'm already working on that by writing this
article. By opening my life up on the Internet and allowing people to read my
deepest feelings, opinions, emotions, I am making homosexuality more accessibly
to the general public who may not have access to homosexuals.
What do I mean by that? Aren't there homosexuals everywhere?
Yes, homosexuals are everywhere. One may be living right under your own roof,
and one might even be you. By my opening myself up, as often as possible, I'm
hopefully helping some gay person who, for whatever reason, is still in denial
or closeted, to know they are not alone and maybe someday that man or woman
will have the real courage to face their own reflection and step outside of
themselves to face their own homosexuality in a productive way.
With all the talk of same-sex relationships and marriage filling the airways,
you would think all homosexuals are accepting of themselves and out and proud,
but this is not the case. My own history shows not everyone is ready to come
out.
There are those who will probably be in denial for the rest of their lives,
fearful of a society which really doesn't care about them, but they feel they
must assimilate into. These people are the ones I'm trying to reach, the ones
who might read this late at night, in the dark of their home offices, allowing
themselves the brief pleasure of being themselves for a few minutes before returning
to that bed they share with someone they may or may not love (I truly challenge
any one living with a member of the opposite sex as your life partner, who is
harboring doubts of your own sexuality, to honesty examine your feelings for
that other person and think about how you are hurting that person with your
lies) to dream of a world where they might be free.
Alas, many of these people don't dream, they simply live to exist until they
die, never really knowing the pleasure and freedom of being what they know in
their hearts they are, and this saddens me to know there are homosexuals living
this kind of existence because they feel they must deny themselves in order
to fit into society.
I'm not only referring to my ex-lover (see the relationships section), but the
many people I've begun to meet from having become more outspoken on the subject
of my sexuality.
Yes, I identify myself as gay, and I am happy with that designation, but it
is not my only designation. I am also a freedom fighter. I fight for all people
to have the security to face themselves, in a safe environment, and to allow
themselves to grow and flourish. By this, I mean I want people to have the freedom
to stop lying to themselves and to the rest of the world.
I'm afraid my dream is just that, a dream. The human race will never allow itself
the freedom to openly accept all its diversities. The closeted people I'm referring
to are the very ones who will fight against the very things which will set them
free to truly explore their greater potentials. Every closeted person, passing
for straight, living what I call a straight lie, is taking something away from
those of us who know who and what we are and desire the freedom to be ourselves.
They are taking away from us the full enjoyment of our own freedom when we must
see those like us who feel they must hide themselves metaphorically speaking
with rules like "don't ask, don't tell," or by simply lying about
themselves out of fear of repercussions from society. If these people would
have the nerve to stand up for themselves, instead of trying to keep the peace
and quite of society as it is, claiming they aren't the ones who will change
history so why not let someone else do it for them, we would be centuries ahead
of where we are today.
As for these closeted people waiting, probably through another lifetime, for
someone else to change the world so they can then reap the benefits of other's
actions, I am disgusted.
Yes, I might still be one of these people if it hadn't been for one of these
spineless people who thought by outing me he would destroy me, and thus any
determination I had which might help the GLBT community have equal rights to
the straight society, but I'm out now, and I'm not quiet about it, nor will
I be until the day I die.
So my self identity is not only one of being gay, but also one of a voice for
those who won't speak for themselves. Our world is so complicated, when we look
in the mirror we don't have to see just one image, or one label, but many labels
and many faces.
I'm still evolving into whatever and whoever I'm going to be in this world,
and I'm not going to do it silently. It's time for all same-sex oriented persons
to face themselves, and look at their reflections with a personal pride at their
ability to stand up for themselves and be able to say with pride, I'm gay.
Now, each morning, or afternoon, when I get up, I look in the mirror and say
to myself, sometimes aloud, I'm gay and I'm proud of who I am.
Now people might argue they don't want to know I'm gay, nor do they see a reason
to proclaim it themselves. They might argue that their sexuality is a personal
thing, but it isn't. No one's sexuality is only for themselves to see. The simply
fact we can identify men from women with a look (usually) makes sexuality something
which effects everyone, so by being open about my own sexuality I'm effecting
society in my own positive way.
Hiding effects society in a negative way, and I don't hide, and neither should
you. Go to your mirrors, look at your reflections, and think about what you
see.
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